The political left seems to be holding out on us. Apparently, they can view different Earths from alternate realities.

Why would I suspect such a thing? Two main notions:

1.) Global warming is definitely real and definitely man-made, and cap-and-trade legislation will definitely help save the planet.

2.) The stimulus bill definitely saved the economy from utter catastrophe, and we’re definitely better off because the Democrats passed it.

I don’t believe any of that, but many people have attached themselves rather passionately to those views.

So let’s begin with global warming. In order to prove, scientifically, beyond all shadow of a doubt that man-made global warming is indisputable truth, here’s what you need to do:

Set up your control group for your experiment. This would be a collection of Earths that have never been touched by mankind. Then find Earths with differing population sizes, and on top of that, find Earths with varying degrees of industrial activity and assorted types of such activity.

Starting atmospheric conditions will need to be kept constant for every Earth, so we can properly gauge any shifts that occur. We also need to factor the sun into this. In reality, solar conditions are not constant, so for every Earth that we observe, we need to replicate the terrestrial conditions of that Earth numerous times over to account for all sorts of potential sunspot and other solar activity. It would be an experiment within an experiment, but we might as well account for as many variables as possible.

So we’ve got all these different Earths with different populations and levels of industrialization, a control group devoid of human life to measure against, plus standard atmospheric conditions and solar activity at the beginning, but with sub-experimental groups of varying solar conditions for each Earth.

If the more heavily industrialized and populated Earths consistently heat up to the greatest extent, then man-made global warming would appear to be a very real possibility.

Now to address the question of whether cap-and-trade would help…

Start with our Earth as it is now. The control group contains Earths without such legislation passed. For the various experimental groups, we need to account for all possible future activity in which mankind might partake and all new technology that might be invented. We also, again, need to account for solar activity, since the sun doesn’t care what bills Congress passes, and this time we must also consider the possibility of atmospheric conditions shifting due to other factors outside of human control–like if a volcano or two happen to erupt, or what animals might do. And we need to consider these potential non-man-made atmospheric shifts at each and every geographic point on the globe.

Our Earth is complex, with countless factors–perhaps more than we even realize–at work to make it what it is. While studying the climate, what scientist can fully replicate in experiments all that goes on within the planet? A portion, sure, but the whole world?

I should disclose, however, that I only have a mere undergraduate degree, having double-majored in, of all things, English and Theatre. So my views on global warming don’t count. I should cease all thought on the matter, and instead defer to the United Nations’ Inter-governmental Panel on Climate Change (but not the independent Non-governmental International Panel on Climate Change. They don’t count either. They must be funded by oil companies or something. But surely, the United Nations has only our best interests in mind in alerting us to potential catastrophe that would require a powerful global government to prevent it. Oh, wait, I’m on the verge of thinking again…)

The same principle applies to the stimulus, though that’s less complex than the sum of the Earth’s atmosphere.

Personally, I liken the stimulus to a bacteria-infested Band-Aid. Yes, it stopped some bleeding in the short term, but there’s going to be pain later.

However, to prove ultimately beyond all shadow of a doubt the precise effects that the stimulus had on our economy, we’d again need to analyze those alternate-reality Earths. We’d have to isolate every single factor that plays a role in a nation’s economy and other courses of action that people, both public and private, could have pursued.

Of course, in everything I‘ve just said, I have not disproved either man-made global warming or the alleged effectiveness of the stimulus. As the late Michael Crichton did before me, I’m merely making my case for skepticism.

But it wouldn’t surprise me if Democrats did have access to other Earths. After all, they can manipulate the weather through legislation. Or so they believe.