“OK, Tommy, let’s go over that section again. We have a few problems with it.” 

“Well, all right. ‘We hold these truths to be self-evident …’” 

“Yeah, stop right there. ‘Truths?’ Isn’t that a little arbitrary? I mean, what’s true for you might not be true for me, after all.” 

“It’s capricious. There’s nothing ‘self-evident’ about your thoughts. How about this: ‘The concepts in this document, while not universally shared, are critically important.’” 

“Yes, that’s much more like it. Non-judgmental. I especially like the ‘critically important.’ Shows we’re serious, yet pragmatic. Tommy, keep going.” 

“That all men are created equal …” 

“Geesh, hold it! ‘Men?’ Don’t you mean women, children and men?” 

“That still comes out as so exclusive. You can’t leave out gays, lesbians, bisexual, transgender …” 

“…American Indian or Alaska Native; Asian; Black or African American; Native Hawaiian or Other Pacific Islander …” 

“Alaska?  Hawaiian?” 

“… deaf, blind, learning disabled, developmentally delayed, emotionally disturbed, plus-size, follicularly challenged …” 

“And what’s with this ‘created’ stuff? We can’t be pushing a ‘creationist’ agenda. We’ll have the teachers union and the ACLU all over us on that one.” 

“And what do you mean by ‘equal?’ ‘Equal pay?’ ‘Equal access?’ ‘Equal employment opportunity?’ I mean, we’re talking some real legal liability here if we’re not careful.” 

“How about, ‘All persons, regardless of race, sex, gender, sexual orientation, creed, national origin, ability, body shape or size, or hair status, should be treated the same”? 

“Getting there. Tommy, what else you got?” 

“‘… that they are endowed by their Creator …’” 

“There you go with that ‘Creator’ crap again. What, are you begging for a lawsuit?” 

“… with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.” 

“Whoa there. What’s with this ‘right to life’ stuff? Do you know how that could get stretched? And let’s not go nutso with this ‘liberty’ craziness, either. We don’t want to get thrown in with Sam Adams, Tom Paine and all those other crackpots out there on the fringe. CNN and MSNBC will crucify us.” 

“Not to mention that you left out a whole bunch of stuff. Like ‘the right to adequate housing’ …” 

“… ‘to a world-class education’ …” 

“… ‘to a good job with excellent benefits’ …” 

 “… ‘to view whatever you want in the privacy of your own home’ …” 

“… ‘to whiter teeth and a brighter smile’… ” 

“… ‘to a winning product on the field.’” 

“Careful about that last one. We’re going to get the Cleveland fans up in arms.” 

“Cleveland? Fans?” 

“And don’t forget the most important one of all: ‘quality health care.’ That’s gonna be the big one.” 

“Say what?” 

“You’ve gotta cover all your bases here, Tommy. We don’t want to lose the women’s vote. They’re big on compassion and inclusion.” 

“Women? Vote?” 

“Tommy, we’re running out of time here, and we have a lot to cover. What comes next?” 

“That to secure these rights, governments are instituted among men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed.” 

“Ho, boy. ‘Consent of the governed?’ You kidding me? Wait until the Supreme Court gets a hold of that one.” 

“Don’t you know how this game is played? It’s all about getting 60 votes in the Senate or 5-4 in the Supreme Court. ‘Consent of the governed!’ LOL. The folks at the AFL-CIO and ACORN will be howling. Next you’re gonna be babbling about states’ rights.” 

“Tommy, you’ve got a lot of work here. It’s back to the drawing board, and we’re going to send our diversity consultant, a couple polling guys, our government relations counsel, PR and the legal team in to work with you. It probably wouldn’t hurt to focus group test it as well. OK, let’s move on. Jimmy Madison’s out there waiting with his Bill of Rights. I understand it’s a piece of work.”