Nathaniel Shockey

Historically, my favorite topics to write about have been sports and politics, with TV coming in a close third. Then I had a baby boy.

I’d rather not become someone who can no longer discuss anything for more than five minutes other than his baby’s sleep schedule. But then again, that’s what people keep asking me about, so what am I supposed to do? It’s not our fault it interests us!

Sweeping all demographics.

In order to maintain my stature as a political analyst, it occurred to me that I might discuss my baby’s approval rating since his first two months in office. If nothing else, I can at least try to maintain the vernacular of someone whose mind occasionally wanders away from swaddling and bottle warmers.

As there are only two voters, there really are only three possible percentages – 0, 50 and 100 – and since my wife isn’t here, I’ll have to guess at her vote.

But I can ensure at least 90 percent accuracy for her vote. For my vote, I can only guarantee about 70 percent accuracy, as my current sleeping schedule renders me somewhat opaque.

That might give us a good starting ballot measure. Concerning his sleep schedule, or perhaps I might as well say our sleep schedule, his approval rating is 50 percent. Half the voters tend not to wake up when he cries, unless the other half wakes them up, which does not reflect in any way on the former demographic’s level of concern or care for the baby. Actually, it reflects positively on these people’s ability to self-preserve.

Of course, if not for the other half’s impressive alertness at night, our baby would most likely be generally angry all the time. All to say, while voters happen to be split about the baby’s sleeping schedule, the current system of checks and balances seems to work out in this situation.

On being generally amicable, voters are unanimous that said baby is nothing short of a fruit basket. Despite occasional cantankerousness and earsplitting screams, his morning smiles and coos have overwhelmingly swayed voters in his favor. Said one voter, “I know it’s cliché, but he really does look like an angel when he sleeps.” Said the other, “That’s actually when I like him best.” All voters agree that said baby is becoming increasingly personable, and poll numbers, though unable to increase above their current level, are projected to stay at 100 percent.

Concerning fiscal discipline, voters are split. Half of voters seem rather convinced that any extra spending on said baby’s behalf can be carved off the budget like white meat on a 20-pound turkey. While the other half asks the question, “How?” the fiscally responsible half tends to respond with conviction, “Somehow.” There may never be a compromise on this issue, but voters are pledged to stand united despite their differences in financial personality.

When asked about their baby’s ability to care for himself, voters agree that there is definitely room for improvement. The current commander-in-chief seems wholly unable to clean up after himself, or even make it to the bathroom when he needs to go, to feed himself, dress, undress or even speak without the help of a teleprompter. He is, however, showing signs of improvement as his neck muscles seem to be increasingly capable to support his disproportionately large head. And when placed on his belly, he can even roll himself over. Voters continue to search for signs of improvement with a high-powered lens.

Finally, on the issue of cuteness, 100 percent of voters find that this particular baby couldn’t be cuter if he were carrying a blue blanket and sucking his thumb. Actually, I may change my vote on that one.

Either way, all voters agree that they never anticipated that whatever was rolling around and kicking inside a womb only months ago could possibly come out and charm the sleep out of two people who enjoy sleeping more than ice cream. These numbers are projected to slip over time when said baby begins beating up his siblings and making ill-advised dating choices. However, all voters agree that they will enjoy the ridiculous cuteness as long as it graciously lasts.

Although there is plenty about which to complain, there is considerably more to laud. As such, all voters agree that this baby will be around for at least a second term. Mid-term elections promise to be a landslide in favor of the current administration. And all projections point to additions to his cabinet within a few years.

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