Jamie Weinstein

Previously, I outlined the address I hope President Obama delivers tonight in his nationally televised speech from West Point. Below I outline the speech he should not give. It would just be a bad idea. A disaster.

Good evening.

Tonight I come to you when a crucial issue of public importance is gripping the passions of the nation. I too have struggled with my position on this issue. Like you, I have wrestled with where I stand.

But tonight, at long last, here at West Point, I am ready to make a critical decision. I shall not dither any longer. I speak to you from the U.S. Military Academy at West Point because no other location would better exude the gravitas this speech deserves.

My fellow Americans, I do not believe Tiger Woods must meet with police officers over the his recent car accident. Nor do I believe he owes the public any explanation on the circumstances of his recent “incident.” He is a private individual. And though you and I might want to know what actually occurred in the wee hours of Friday morning, there is little reason to argue that we are entitled to such information. Therefore, we must understand our curiosity does not outweigh Tiger’s right to privacy. This is a principle found in the penumbras of the United States Constitution.

Like everyone in America, I too wonder what Tiger’s wife was doing with a golf club early Friday morning. Did she run outside with it to smash the window of Tiger’s American made Cadillac Escalade in order to save her husband? Or was she running after Tiger with the club to smash his head as punishment for some misdeed, or suspected misdeed?

You may also wonder how a petite woman like Tiger’s wife could pull Tiger out of a car. I admit, it sounds just a bit fishy.

But we must remember that while curiosity may have never killed the cat, in this case it could explode our idealized vision of Tiger Woods. That would be a travesty. There are few people as universally loved as Tiger, especially now that Michael Jackson is no longer with us. Like Oprah, Tiger is known the world over by just one name, not two like the rest of us. Or, maybe like the rest of you. When people hear Obama I’m pretty sure they think of this guy [President Obama points at himself with his both his thumbs]. So let Tiger have his privacy. We owe him such consideration after all since he is the world’s greatest golfer.  In fact, that’s a new rule. When you are the world’s greatest golfer, you should get unparalleled respect for your privacy despite your public profile. This should give John Daly incentive to keep working to improve his game.

Critics of my decision on Tigergate might point out that I placed a call to Tiger yesterday and that my call was, in fact, returned. They may argue that Tiger Woods told me what actually occurred in the circumstances in question and under strict confidence that I told him I would not tell anyone else. There critics may even go as far to suggest that the only reason I am calling for others to keep their curiosity in check in the name of privacy is because I myself have already had my curiosity satisfied.

There is some truth to this. I did talk to Tiger. He did tell me what occurred. My curiosity was satisfied. And I did pledge not to reveal what was revealed to me. I say, so what? Face it: This office comes with a few perks. This is one of them.

Look, I know I promised when I entered this office I would uphold the “secrets, secrets” principle that I hold so dear. I still maintain, as the principle states, that secrets, secrets are, in fact, no fun unless you tell them to everyone. I don’t deny that. But in some cases, certain secrets can be tolerated so long as I know what the secret is.

So I hope that ends that the situation over Tigergate.

Good night Amer, err, whoops. I forgot something?

What was I supposed to say?

It looks like Rahm is mouthing to me that some of you may have thought I would announce my decision on Afghanistan tonight. I don’t know where you would have gotten that impression. As you can imagine, I have been tied up with this Tiger Woods business, and before that my sight-seeing trip to Asia, and before that my trip to Denmark to secure the 2016 Olympics for America. Well, that didn’t turn out too well. But the point is I just haven’t had time to look at this Afghanistan Bananastan thingy.

You have my word that I’ll get to it sooner or later so just hang in their America. There is just so much to look over. Just yesterday, for instance, Michael Moore sent me a compelling letter on the matter that I haven’t even had time to look at yet because of a previously scheduled basketball game that just couldn’t be canceled. But I’ll get to it, I assure you that.  When Moore speaks, I listen.

So good night. And may God, or whatever entity you believe in, bless Tiger Woods, America, and the global community.