Like all State of the Union addresses, President Obama’s Wednesday night was a snooze fest, as Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid and Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano demonstrated. The smartest person in political life was Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, who someone secured a get-out-of-class pass from the president.

For those who stayed up to watch what seemed like a never-ending speech, you probably had some trouble understanding the president. That was because he was speaking politicalese. Fortunately, I am a world-class translator, a veritable Rosetta stone between English and politicalese.

So here you go America. The SOTU decoded.

The President: “Madam Speaker, Vice President Biden, members of Congress, distinguished guests, and fellow Americans”

Translation: Queen Nancy, Diarrhea Mouth, annoying pissants, my wife, and fellow Democrats.

President Obama: “Our Constitution declares that from time to time, the President shall give to Congress information about the state of our union. For 220 years, our leaders have fulfilled this duty. They’ve done so during periods of prosperity and tranquility…Again, we are tested. And again, we must answer history’s call.”

Translation: Duty calls on me to deliver a very, very long speech. Since I love to hear myself speak, I will happily oblige.

President Obama: “One year ago, I took office amid two wars, an economy rocked by a severe recession, a financial system on the verge of collapse, and a government deeply in debt. Experts from across the political spectrum warned that if we did not act, we might face a second depression. So we acted …”

Translation: …and today, I hold office amid two wars, an economy rocked by a severe recession, a financial system slightly less on the verge of collapse, and a government even more deeply in debt than ever before in its history.

President Obama: “But the devastation remains. One in 10 Americans still cannot find work. Many businesses have shuttered. Home values have declined. Small towns and rural communities have been hit especially hard. And for those who’d already known poverty, life has become that much harder.”

Translations: Whoops.

President Obama: “So we face big and difficult challenges. And what the American people hope – what they deserve – is for all of us, Democrats and Republicans, to work through our differences; to overcome the numbing weight of our politics.”

Translation: For Pete’s sake Republicans, just do as I say. Stop having principles.

President Obama: “And we haven’t raised income taxes by a single dime on a single person. Not a single dime.”

Translation: Though not for lack of trying. We will get there. Oh yes, we will get there yet.

President Obama: “Because of the steps we took, there are about two million Americans working right now who would otherwise be unemployed.”

Translation: Primarily as government lobbyists.

President Obama: “And we’re on track to add another one and a half million jobs to this total by the end of the year.”

Translation: Estimate of the number of lobbyists that private industry will hire to secure goodies in the Cap and Trade Climate bill.

President Obama: “Now, the true engine of job creation in this country will always be America’s businesses.”

Translation: But as long as I am President we are sure going to try to change that.

President Obama: “I know that there are those who disagree with the overwhelming scientific evidence on climate change.”

Translation: We call these people readers.

President Obama: “But if anyone from either party has a better approach that will bring down premiums, bring down the deficit, cover the uninsured, strengthen Medicare for seniors, and stop insurance company abuses, let me know. Let me know. Let me know. I’m eager to see it.”

Translation: Maybe I’ll even open my eyes this time when you bring it to me.

President Obama: “Starting in 2011, we are prepared to freeze government spending for three years.”

Translation: Just kidding. You saw all the spending I proposed in this speech, right?

President Obama: “From some on the right, I expect we’ll hear a different argument – that if we just make fewer investments in our people, extend tax cuts including those for the wealthier Americans, eliminate more regulations, maintain the status quo on health care, our deficits will go away. The problem is that’s what we did for eight years.”

Translation: Screw you Milton Friedman.

President Obama: “With all due deference to separation of powers…”

Translation: F*#@ the separation of powers.

President Obama: “Now, I’m not naïve. I never thought that the mere fact of my election would usher in peace and harmony.”

Translation: That was the Nobel Peace Prize Committee.

President Obama: “And if the Republican leadership is going to insist that 60 votes in the Senate are required to do any business at all in this town – a supermajority – then the responsibility to govern is now yours as well. Just saying no to everything may be good short-term politics, but it’s not leadership.”

Translation: Now rubberstamping my proposals, gentleman. That’s what I call leadership.

President Obama: “This week, I’ll be addressing a meeting of the House Republicans. I’d like to begin monthly meetings with both Democratic and Republican leadership. I know you can’t wait.”

Translation: I’ll use those meetings to bore you into submission with long speeches like this one. If you thought waterboarding was torture, just wait.

President Obama: “Throughout our history, no issue has united this country more than our security. Sadly, some of the unity we felt after 9/11 has dissipated. We can argue all we want about who’s to blame for this, but I’m not interested in re-litigating the past.”

Translation: Except when it comes to our CIA agents who my Justice Department is re-opening investigations into for protecting America.

President Obama: “We’ve prohibited torture”

Translation: And we prohibited unicorns.

President Obama: “We have gone from a bystander to a leader in the fight against climate change.”

Translation: For instance, now we attend conferences and sign meaningless, toothless agreements. We do a much better job pretending to care.

President Obama: “For America must always stand on the side of freedom and human dignity. Always.”

Translation: Except, of course, when Iranians are in the streets protesting for freedom. Then we must hold our tongue in deference to the oppressive Islamic Republic.

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