News item: Sarah Palin’s political action committee targets 20 House Democrats – those who voted for ObamaCare and represent districts carried by McCain-Palin in 2008 – for defeat in November. Palin illustrates the location of these target districts on her Facebook page with a map showing each of the districts covered by a target and crosshairs. (Get it? Targeted?) Media and left-wingers go nuts, claiming Palin’s use of crosshairs as a metaphor is an incitement to violence.
We just take orders.
Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?
I knocked with some trepidation on the door of General Palin, knowing that she does not like to be disturbed, but feeling she needed to hear this news. I braced myself for the roaring voice of her annoyance, but was, at least momentarily, relieved.
“Hey, come in there, ya!” she called out. So I entered.
“General Palin, I have some troubling news that you should be aware of,” I said.
“Hey now, never end a sentence in a preposition, Mr. Big Time Columnist,” she corrected me. “Who’s the editor in chief here, huh?”
I apologized for the grammatical slip-up.
“General, it seems that we have a problem on our hands,” I explained. “Remember your plan to signal the ground troops, using subtlety and nuance, by putting crosshairs on the congressional district map on your Facebook page?”
“Sure, hey, thought that was kinda brilliant myself,” she said. “You don’t actually say, ‘Shoot Democrats,’ but you make the marching orders clear with a wink, a nod and the use of metaphor that they will understand, but will go right over the heads of those thick-headed journos in the MSM.”
“Right,” I replied. “Well apparently, it’s had the opposite of the intended effect. The media are onto us.”
“On to us?” she mused. “How can that be? They’re so obsessed with politics, I was sure they would see the crosshairs as just another metaphor to symbolize campaign strategy. I mean golly geewillikers, do those slugs ever write about anything but politics?”
I bowed my head.
“Normally no, they don’t,” I said. “But I guess their suspicion of you is at an apex.”
“You mean it’s climaxed?” she sought to clarify.
“It seems to be peaking,” I confirmed.
“That should mean it will soon be in descent,” she said. “Unless I’m not understanding your metaphor, sort of like they’re not understanding mine.”
“But they are understanding it,” I said. “You’re commanding the tea party ground troops to go and shoot Democrats. They’re onto us. It’s over. We’re toast.”
The general got a steely look in her eye.
“No one’s toast,” she said. “And nothing’s over until we say it’s over. It’s just like Bluto Blutarsky said in that film there, Animal Farm, ‘Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?’”
“I think you mean Animal House,” I said.
“No, I’m sure it was Pearl Harbor they bombed,” she said. “What would be the strategic value of an animal house? At any rate, here’s what we’ll have to do. We’ll post another map on the Facebook page, but this time we’ll put crosshairs over the locations of all the major media. The New York Times, the Washington Post, the AP, CNN, MSNBC. We’ll get the order out to the ground troops to go and shoot them too.”
“Wow, that’s a lot of carnage,” I said. “And I actually wouldn’t waste the ammo on CNN, because last I saw their ratings had sunk below Community Access Cable in French Lick, Indiana.”
“Wow, French Lick,” she said. “There’s something I bet we could make a cool metaphor out of.”
“Hey, you ended a sentence in a preposition!” I protested.
“I’m the general,” she said. “Now send out the word to lock and load, and reload if necessary.”
“You don’t think they’ll catch on to your subtle, nuanced use of metaphorical imagery to command the troops to action?” I asked.
“Search me,” she said. “Up until three days ago, they thought I was a blithering simpleton. Now I’m some sort of nuanced, literary genius who uses hidden allegories to spur the masses to violence?”
“It is kind of funny when you think about it,” I said. “But as you wish, commander. The only thing I wonder is, once we’ve shot all the Democrats and all the reporters, who will run ObamaCare? And who will report the news?”
“You let me worry about that,” she assured me. “I didn’t take that gig at Fox for nothing.”
More crosshairs on the way. She’s so diabolically brilliant. And the rest of us slugs? We just follow orders. Even the ones that, you know, are said without being said.